Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship?
Because the pattern isn’t about the other person, it’s about what happens in you when someone gets close. You might pull away, please everyone, pick fights, or choose people who can’t give you much. It feels like bad luck, but it’s often a habit built to avoid a feeling.
That’s a recurring emotional pattern, and it can repeat even when you understand it perfectly. In therapy we look at what you feel as closeness builds, and what you do to protect yourself from it. I can’t promise how it turns out, but that’s where we begin.
What do you mean by “problems with intimacy”?
I mean difficulty being close to someone without losing yourself, shutting down, or running. You might feel numb with a partner you care about. You might say you want closeness and then sabotage it. Or you might keep every relationship at arm’s length.
It isn’t about a lack of love. It’s usually about feelings that get stirred up when you’re vulnerable, and the defenses that kick in. In ISTDP, Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, we look at that directly, as it happens, rather than only talking about it.
Do you offer couples therapy?
Individual therapy for adults aged 18 and over. I don’t offer couples or family therapy.
Can individual therapy help my relationship if my partner doesn’t come?
It can. You’re half of the pattern, and that half is the part you can change.
When you understand what you feel and what you do in response, how you show up changes. That can shift the whole dynamic, though I can’t promise what your partner will do or how the relationship will go. If your partner wants their own therapy, that’s their call. We work on you.
My partner wants me to go to therapy. Is that a good enough reason to start?
A lot of people come to therapy, their wife will send them, the husband will send them, they think they should. They have to be motivated for themselves, and they have to want to do an emotionally focused therapy. They have to be willing to look at their emotions. If those things aren’t in place, the therapy I do won’t work.
How does closeness, or avoiding it, show up between you and the client in a session?
It shows up right there in the room. Someone might change the subject when we get near something real. They might joke, intellectualize, go vague, or agree with everything I say. That’s the same thing they do with others, in real time.
I notice it and I name it, gently but directly. That’s useful, because we don’t need to guess about your relationships: we can see the pattern happening between us. It can feel exposing, and I go at a pace you can manage. That’s a big part of why this approach is active.
Many men find it hard to talk about feelings. How do you work with that?
I don’t expect you to talk about feelings fluently. Plenty of people, men especially, come in saying "I’m not good at this." That’s fine. We start where you are.
I’ll ask simple things: what are you feeling right now, where in your body? Often the words come once the feeling is actually there. I’m direct and I don’t make it precious. What I need from you is motivation: you have to want to work on the problem. If you do, I can work with you, whatever your starting point.
Do you work with difficulties around sex and desire?
Yes, as part of the wider picture of intimacy and relationships. Low desire, avoiding sex, or difficulty feeling connected during sex often connect to feelings that get stirred up with closeness: anxiety, anger, shame.
If there’s a physical or medical component, see your doctor as well. In therapy, we look at the feelings and the patterns, and I keep it respectful and professional. If you’re not sure whether I’m the right fit, the 20-minute call is free, and I’ll tell you honestly.